It seems every company has an online help desk to assist us with technical difficulties. The website usually begins by directing us to the FAQ page for solutions to commonly encountered problems, a holy screen that instructs us to perform a few digital Hail Mary’s or Our Fathers to achieve technological absolution. However, when these fail, we are directed into the electronic Holy of Holies to obtain “divine” technical advice from a member of the hi-tech pantheon.

Similarly, every religion has the common sense to recognize mankind is in need of repair and tries to offer all sorts of assistance. Let’s listen in on their conversations and see how each worldview tackles man’s problem.

Hinduism

Mankind:

My man keeps killing other people, fighting wars, and is generally just mean to everyone. He then gives all sorts of excuses. Your instruction manual says he should have a spark of the universal God within him, but it doesn’t seem hot enough to start any fires of good behavior. What can I do? Sincerely, Vishnu

Technologist:

Thanks for asking. It’s simple. He has taken on a significant amount of karmic baggage and has found it so heavy that the mere thought of trying to be good is just too daunting. Try baby steps by having him drop a piece of karmic luggage every lifetime or so until it’s all gone. Unfortunately, you’ll have to be patient because it won’t happen in your lifetime, or the lifetime of your children. As a matter of fact, it may never happen at all. I appreciate your concern for your fellow man, but by the tone of your voice I can tell that you need to spend a little more time on the Samsaric elliptical trainer to shed some karmic pounds of your own. Good luck kindling that spark.

Buddhism

Mankind:

My man continues to want stuff he cannot get. He thinks his life should have some sort of purpose, and it’s making him very sad. I have told him to stop wanting things and forget about making his life meaningful because it’s all an illusion, but he persists. What do I do? Sincerely, Bodi

Technologist:

It’s a difficult question because the directions on my eightfold pathway FAQ sheet can be a problem when you get too attached to them. I’d just encourage him to keep erasing his hard drive through meditation and resist the temptation to reboot with the latest operating software. I know it seems odd to prefer a blank screen to a screen saver, but flying toasters are just an illusion anyway.

New Age Religion

Mankind:

My man is badly behaved. He seems incapable of reaching his potential. I have told him to think good thoughts and find his happy place, but his mind all too frequently visits brothels. Please advise. Sincerely, Rhonda

Technologist:

Embedded somewhere deep inside him is a magic kindness button. All the technicians tell me they have personal knowledge of exactly where to find it. If you just send in $19.95 per technologist, we will send you all their individual solutions. I vaguely remember reading some old manual that talked about secret, powerful intentions and good thoughts attracting good things. Unfortunately, these manuals stay on our shelves for only about fifteen minutes before they become outdated. I’d write more, but I’m too busy working on my own manual. I can send you an advanced copy for the bargain price of $15 if you’d like?

Atheism

Mankind:

I’m having a hard time finding any instruction manual, and my man is always fighting and killing others. I think it’s because he’s infected with some sort of religion virus, but it seems the unreligious are misbehaving as well. What can I do? Sincerely, Richard

Technologist:

Sorry, but we kind of built mankind on the evolutionary fly, tinkering as we went, so there aren’t any instruction manuals. We just hope one of them actually works, but even if he doesn’t, just toss him in the evolutionary scrap heap and we’ll send you a new one. Unfortunately, the chaotic randomness of our organization makes us quite inefficient, and it may take several million years before he arrives. Actually, your description of his behavior sounds like he’s working pretty darned well. Please call us again if you have any real problems.

Postmodernism

Mankind:

I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m having problems with my neighbor. He’s having noisy parties, taking my lawn tools without asking, and playing nude volleyball in his backyard. What can I do? Sincerely, Whatever

Technologist:

First of all, I think you’re being a bit intolerant by trying to force your neighbor to conform to your personal oppressive cultural narrative. It sounds like he’s having a great time, and I don’t think you should be a wet blanket. Why don’t you just build a bigger fence, close your shades, or put in some earplugs? By the way, when’s his next party?

Christianity

Mankind:

I want to thank you for the incredibly detailed instruction manual explaining every bell and whistle, but my man keeps taking these cool innovations and using them to do things they were never intended to do. In addition, he has downloaded so many new apps that the operating system is hopelessly confused, and he just doesn’t function properly anymore. What can I do? Sincerely, G. K.

Technologist:

Well, it’s clear you cannot fix this problem yourself, so I’ll send out our best Tech. He will scrub all the useless programs, remove all the destructive viruses, and restore him to the original factory image in which he was constructed.

Mankind:

Sounds great! When can He come?

Technologist:

I have Good News for you. He’s already come and made the necessary repairs, and just for calling, you’ll receive a warranty good for eternity, covering all parts and labor. It is finished! Enjoy your New Man.

If we truly want to be fixed we must acknowledge the problem and only then will we have the good sense to make a properly focused call for help.